I've been really busy the past couple of weeks. The kind of busy that makes me sleep poorly and have dreams that confuse what I'm doing with really bizarre made-up details that fit seemlessly into the truth. (I'm not talking about talking unicorns; it's much more subtle than that. Why my sister has to arrive to help move the giant tree scenery in the skit my DI kids are doing is beyond me. In truth, I have a sister and my DI kids are doing a skit. But my sister lives in New Jersey. I don't. I'm not sure my sister even knows that I have DI kids much less that they are doing a skit. And there's no giant tree involved. There's a glacier, but there's no tree. See what I mean? Subtly bizarre.)
So I've put on hold some things that are bothering me. I've set them aside because I just can't deal with them right now. However, it's quiet right now, and even though I ought to turn off the light and try to sleep -- moving trees or visiting sisters aside -- I find my mind going back to what's bothering me.
One of the things that's bothering me is a re-grieving for my friend whose son lived here on this Earth for only a few precious hours. When I learned that he had gone to Heaven, one of my first concerns was that my friend was unlikely to have gotten to hold him before the medical team took him. She didn't. That fact stuck with me, and I hurt for her. However, she said that it was OK because she had had all those months of intimacy with him as he grew inside her. I felt a little better with that perspective, a little comforted. But now my friend is grieving for that lack of contact. And I'm right back there grieving for her grieving. And regretting my insensitivity in making it sound like carrying the sweet baby should have been enough. (It wasn't what I had meant; it was more that if it is now a fresh source of anguish, I'm no longer comforted.) This one hurts.
Another thing that's bothering me is that my great-aunt passed away last week. The funeral was today. I didn't go. She lived quietly, and she died quietly. I didn't go. More than that, though I'd known her my whole life, I never got to know her. My brother-in-law did a bit. As he said today, she was 96, and in all the years he had known her, she was kind, gentle, and without guile. I didn't go.
I have another friend who is stuck in a job that is just not making her happy. Quite the opposite: It's making her stressed, and she's not the kind that thrives on stress. (I don't tend to be friends with people who do thrive on stress; thriving on stress stresses me.) I don't know how to support her, but I now know it's more serious than I thought, and I need to gauge the situation before I whip off a smart-mouth comment.
My Girl Scouts are a great bunch of kids. They have their individual problems, but they're a great bunch. Right now, when I should be thrilled that my girls have sold 2,006 boxes of cookies, I'm having to track down parents and prompt them to sign the girls up for booths. It's a question of fairness when it comes time to spend the cookie money. As a friend said, though, it's not fair to penalize the girls because of the actions of the parents. So I'll leave it at that one prompting. But I'm bothered.
Girl Scouts isn't the only obligation. I am also the co-vice chairperson for the Citizen's Advisory Committee for Special Education, which is gearing up again. Elections will be held next month; I don't want to be an officer for a 4th year. I want to sit back and let others fulfill the vision/mission. But I owe the best I can do for the remainder of the year. I have to check the By-Laws and see if my year ends in May or in June. That I want to pull back bothers me.
And then there are the odds and ends that come to trip me up: school fundraisers, my son's upcoming trip to West Virginia, preparing for the upcoming Give Camp, and this weekend's Destination Imagination competition. They all come with extraneous -- or maybe better to say internal -- issues that aren't about the events themselves.
As it's now a new day, I'm off to deal with one of the events themselves. I have to push all this to the side, tamp down on the constant feelings of unease. Get through until I can deal.