I have so much to say, and I have nothing to say. I want to describe what it was like to have my daughter in the hospital getting sorted out, and I can't. It just hurts too much. Plus there's her privacy.
I want to tell what it's been like this past week as she transitions home, not yet having all her issues resolved. I want to purge everything about me and how I feel -- powerless, frustrated, trapped, terrified, guilty. I want to explain how diminishing it is not to be able to tell my child to just do her homework and have her do it.
I want anyone who reads this to know that she is not her depression and her behaviors. She is a beautiful, intelligent, funny girl who has so much to offer. And so much to learn. To learn to control. To access to cope.
I had coffee this morning with another parent who has been through some similar things with her son. What a welcome break it was, and a welcome resource! She lent me a few books and copied out a few names and agencies.
A case manager from our insurance company called the other day. She pulled a list of names of doctors and therapists closer than the 90.6 miles it takes to get to Children's. I got that today.
And just a few minutes ago, my daughter, of her own volition, sat herself down to work on her Science Fair project.
I know good and well that there is an overwhelming amount of work ahead of us. I know that at any second, peace may be shattered. But for this one moment, right now, it's quiet. I think I'll hit "Publish."