Saturday, September 24, 2011

Mum and not mum

I have so much to say, and I have nothing to say.  I want to describe what it was like to have my daughter in the hospital getting sorted out, and I can't.  It just hurts too much.  Plus there's her privacy.

I want to tell what it's been like this past week as she transitions home, not yet having all her issues resolved.  I want to purge everything about me and how I feel -- powerless, frustrated, trapped, terrified, guilty.  I want to explain how diminishing it is not to be able to tell my child to just do her homework and have her do it.

I want anyone who reads this to know that she is not her depression and her behaviors.  She is a beautiful, intelligent, funny girl who has so much to offer.  And so much to learn.  To learn to control.  To access to cope.

I had coffee this morning with another parent who has been through some similar things with her son.  What a welcome break it was, and a welcome resource!  She lent me a few books and copied out a few names and agencies.

A case manager from our insurance company called the other day.  She pulled a list of names of doctors and therapists closer than the 90.6 miles it takes to get to Children's.  I got that today.

And just a few minutes ago, my daughter, of her own volition, sat herself down to work on her Science Fair project.

I know good and well that there is an overwhelming amount of work ahead of us.  I know that at any second, peace may be shattered.  But for this one moment, right now, it's quiet.  I think I'll hit "Publish."

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