Sunday, October 23, 2011

What became of me?


I was hit by a wave of loneliness so great I bowed under its weight.
The sadness of the undertow dragged me out to sea.
Adrift, no harbor, no companion,
Wondering what's to become of me.
What became of me?

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Today we all sat down together for supper.  That doesn't happen very often, usually due to schedules but sometimes by design.  Today it happened.  My daughter brought a book to the table.  I don't typically mind, and she's not the one who typically brings one.  Tonight, she was engrossed, again, not typical when everyone else is present.  My son answered, "I don't know," to my question designed to involve the family in a nice discussion, and he ate his dinner.  My daughter read and ate her dinner.  My husband ate his dinner.  Nobody said another word for the entire meal.  I didn't eat my dinner.

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I've always known that my son has little use for conversation.  I've come to the conclusion that my husband is embracing texting me for similar reasons.  When my daughter suggested to me a few weeks ago that I should stop talking, I had an epiphany.  I started listening to myself and thinking about what I was saying.  I do almost all of the talking and asking of questions.  They don't volunteer information or engage in conversations.  Shut down in meaningful communication of family members, all I have left is the role of orchestrator and arranger of schedules, homework, meals, events, etc.  What I mean as requests for the information I need to run the house, they hear as nagging and respond in kind -- or don't respond at all.  Wife.  Mother.  Caregiver.  Gone.  If they don't need me to be those things for them, why are we falling apart?

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How can I be alone in a house full of people?
What became of my family?
What became of me?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you and your post broke my heart. I'm keeping you in my prayers. I wish there was more I could offer...but know that you are thought of and prayed for.